January 24, 2006

Filed under: Doodles, Blabs and Rants — didee @ 3:41 pm

The past weeks hadnt been easy for me. I wouldn’t try to sugarcoat the pain by saying i wasn’t affected. At first it had been hellish. Later then did i realized the truth in what i always say to my friends who comes to me for comfort, “always leave something for yourself.” But i don’t regret anything. I don’t think I have shamed myself. I believe i did my part. And more so, I’ve done it well.

I don’t know where i’m getting the strength to pick up the pieces again. Yes, I’m picking up the pieces again. After a hard cry which lasted for awhile, and a much-needed kick in the ass, Im slowly gaining my self-respect back. And slowly, I’m more able to see things clearly. And now, i know my worth. And i realized, that more than anything else, i need to know my worth or else i will just be selling myself short.

I can see clearly now the pain has gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that passed me by,
It’s gonna be a bright, bright, sun shiny day

I wouldn’t have met with him again, this soon after the break-up, if i felt that I’m not ready. Would I allow myself to be hurt again by this someone whom i use to build my world around? I don’t wanna meet with him, and see him through my pain. And I don’t want to hate. There’s never a good enough reason for hurting someone so easily, and no one deserves to have to go through that.I sure as hell don’t. Im just glad that when we did meet again, though the pain was still there, not only for me but even for him, I am peaceful. And I cannot let anyone take that away from me again. 🙂 I hope he’ll also have that.

And for the life of me, he couldn’t help but ask why im at peace. When the last we saw each other i was in shreds when i learned of what he did.

Music had always been a major part in our story. And even a major part of him. We couldn’t help but smile when this song was played,

Is there something that you want to tell me?
is there something that i ought to know?
Is there something that’s still worth fighting for?
or should i simply let you go?
Is there something i could do to reach you?
Are we something more than history?
Is there someway i can convince you so stay
if you just tell me honestly…
is there something left for you and me

And I asked him, “got an answer to that?”, He said, “There will always be something left for us.You just don’t know how happy i was having us. ”

I guess its partly true. There will always be something left for us. Something left for us to remember. Something left for us to think about. Something left for us to be thanful for. Something left for us to be proud of. Something left for us to cherish. But something for us to go back to ? Hmmm… maybe not

Come to think of it, i never heard him say goodbye. Not that i care. Not that it matters now. Not that it would change things. Not that it would do anybody any good. He was the one who opened the door saying he has to leave. But he didn’t. And somehow, i admit, it made me feel at least a bit important. At least, i thought, I am not that easy to let go of. I see it. And I’m hearing him say it. But then again, that won’t change anything. Because you cannot choose to let go of one hand and hold on to another, and still long for that someone you let go of. I pity her. That’s all i can say.

I know it may seem weird that i hurt that much, considering the relationship lasted only months. One thing I’ve learned, it isn’t always how long it lasted, its how much you’ve grown and become who you really are even in such a short time.

Funny are the thoughts that crosses your mind and heart when in pain. A few blog entries ago, I was afraid to be happy again. Afraid to feel again that high. Amazing what prayers and good friends can do. I don’t know which stage i am at in my healing. But according to experts, “I am doing extremely well considering the traumatic event that i have just been through.” The secret? Let God. Friends, suitors, drinks sure help, but for me, nothing beats the ultimate cure. I wrestled with God. I told Him, if He can’t heal me, then nobody can. And He did. or shall we say, He IS healing me. So be patient with me, He’s not finish yet. okay? Perhaps I was betrayed by a love that i thought i knew… but Love Himself would heal the wounds.

We had something that I’ll never forget
Even if I wanted to
‘Cause part of me will always be with you

The way things are now, he was the one who opened the door preparing to leave but didn’t, and I was the one who went pass the door and closed it behind me…



  1. I can’t blame him di if he’s having trouble letting go of you…

    Comment by Anonymous — January 24, 2006 @ 3:54 pm

  2. DIANNE VILLA CAPULAN… the girl behind “”, named sweetly by her father, envisioned to stand along and come out strong..

    scrabbling words to make her feel better after that “hellish” ride as she calls it… is not but difficult to people who stand with her in faith to finish that game of her life…

    Di, i knew when you decided to pay your attention to the One who has promised you that He will do it swiftly..MEAN IT! look @ U! LOOK how far uv gone.

    AWESOME?? it really is! does it make any difference? it sure does! why? because everybody deserves to be in that place called “BEST”

    And everyone wants you to be @ BEST! When i saw you in pain, my mind rattles “IF ONLY I CAN FIGHT YOUR BATTLE!” But i know you have to FACE it and FIGHT IT YOUR OWN!

    Because i Trust and i Believe in U =) dont want to see you that broken again. Just do it right the next time =)

    My name diay is Axie.

    Comment by Anonymous — January 24, 2006 @ 10:39 pm

  3. Di, there is no other way but to go through the pain. But believe me, when this is all over, you will feel so much better.

    Stronger and with a much more solid belief in yourself.

    Better times lie ahead. 🙂

    Comment by maddie — January 25, 2006 @ 1:18 pm

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