Windchimes

January 7, 2004

Fallen In Like

Filed under: Doodles, Blabs and Rants, Short Stories — didee @ 5:21 pm

Ang Tanga ko talaga!

Ang tanga ko talagang kaibigan. Ang hirap kung matoto. Di na ako madala-dala.

Ilang artik na ba ang nasulat about unrequited love between friends.

Ilang comments na bah ang kaka-relate sa mga situations na hirap magmahal ng isang kaibigan.

Ilang smile at tawa pa ba ang dapat i-fake tuwing kasama mo ang taong gusto mo, pero di mo kayang maipakita ang sakit na totoo mong nararamdaman.

Hirap kasi sayo nasanay kang naka-smile ako palagi. Kala mo ba di ako affected pag sinasabi mong baka may magkagusto na sa smile ko. Ang babaw kasi ng kaligayahan ko. Lagi na lng akong naka-bungisngis , akala lagi akong masaya, akala wala akong problema.

Akala ko ba magkaibigan tayo…

Bat di mo makita yung luha sa mata ko? Ang sakit na nararamdaman ko? Kahit kaibigan kita, dense mo talaga.

Tindi ng friendship natin.

I cant say that time is a witness on just how well we know each other. January na ngayon 2004, eh kelan ba tayo naging magkaibigan ? Around late ng november last year lang yun dba?

Kitams! And look at me now, writing this lonesome article about a guy whom ive known for just over a month lng.

So far di pa tayo nauubusan nang topics na mapaguusapan , na pagtatalunan.sinabi mo pa nga na sana pagnagka-gf ka, kasing enjoy ko kung kausap. Tumawa lng ako ng sinabi mo yon.

Pero inulit mo uli, this time may bonus pang “im not kidding ok..”.

Anong gusto mong sabihin ko, “ba’t di na lng ako gawin mong gf.” o baka nman “pre, feeling ko magkaka-heart attack ata ako”.

Alam mo naman na ayaw kong mag-assume diba. Hirap kasi pag ginawa ko yon. Para kong kinukunsinti ang feelings ko na deep inside naman alam kong walang patutunguhan. Ayokong bigyan ng meaning ang closeness natin, ayokong i-memorize yung mga messages mo, ayokong i-collect yung “gud mownin” at “gud nyt” na text mo, ayokong paulit-ulit basahin yung mga emails mo.

(o ayan ka na naman palapit sa pc ko, minimize ko muna to, baka mabasa mo pa .. Tsk tsk)

One time i-ninvite kita sa party sa church, wala pa akong feelings sayo nun. Isang confusing text msg ang sagot mo, “i really wanna go , but i cant. Please let me explain. Dont be mad ,k “.

Sabi ko wag mo nang isipin yun.

The following day, lapit ka sa kin sabay bigay ng chocolates, sabi ko “ano to?”, sabi mo, “wala, peace offering”, sabay tawa tayo.

Sinabi mo ang reason kung bakit di ka nakasama. You were just about to start to court this girl. The sad thing lang is she often accuses you of courting other girls at the same time. Sabi mo, you didnt want me to be dragged into the scene.

Sabi mo “people around are sometimes too narrow minded to see the bigger picture.”

Natahimik ako ng sinabi mo yon, k lng naman. I understand you. Pero before ako umalis sabi ko sayo “sorry but i just have to say this. I think thats very immature. In anything alam natin pareho na trust yung foundation. She cant even afford to trust you now na nanliligaw ka pa lang, pano na later. She’s building her fence around you, as if she owns you. Good luck sa inyo.”

Umalis ako. Confused. What do you mean by that? Are you asking me to stay away?

So what. E di, stay away! Ba’t parang ayaw ko? Ba’t parang nanghihinayang ako?

I guess that was the first time that i started to question what i really am feeling for you. I did a self-check.

And i admit im “fallen in like with you”. Ayoko pang sabihin na love (medyo mabigat na yun hehe). Matinding like.

I decided to keep my distance from you. No talks, no text, no nothing. Alam ko where i stand. Im your friend. Support ko na lng sayo to, kahit nasasaktan ako. Pero di mo pinalampas ang isang araw na di ako kumikibo sayo. I have to make up some story about similar situation happening before and sayang yung friendship kasi na mimis-interpret nung mga tao. You said sorry for causing me that pain.Sayang yung friendship.

And without saying anything i know that we both agreed not to let go of it.

Later that night, you sent me a message which i kept until now… “ill try my best not to care too much”

Clean slate tayo uli. And we became even close.

Christmas break.

Di ka umuwi sa inyo. You shared to me your situation at home. Kakatawa, coz im undergoing the same thing. Uminom ako kasama mga friends ko, pero ikaw karamay ko. Kahit sa fone man lng dumamay ka sa kin.

Salamat. Di mo lang alam how much that means to me. I was waiting for the time kung kelan ko sasabihin sa barkada about sa kadramahan ko sa bahay, pero nasabi ko sayo lahat without thinking twice about it. Ikaw yung unang friend na sinabihan ko tungkol dun. Cguro nga i trust you that much. A little too much, a little too soon.

Lagi mo tinatonong sa kin bat wla pa akong boyfriend. Sabi ko i just want to play safe. Players play and i dont want to be part of the game. Matanda ka pa sakin pero isa pa lang naging girlfriend mo.

We exchanged advices on love, as if we’re expert on it. We argued and agreed and dreamed of one day finding that someone that’s really for us. We both don’t keep a list of requirements on how we want that person to be. You said you’re not asking for a perfect person. I said I’m not looking for a perfect relationship. We just wanted someone whom we are perfectly comfortable with.

Sabi mo pa nga, just like what we have. That it’s up to two people who like each other as friends to raise that level of “like” into something a little bit more. Di na lang ako kumibo. Ayokong mangarap ng gising.

I guess im a good friend to you, kahit bata pa lang yung friendship natin.

Witness ako…

… When you were hoping she’d agree to go out with you, when she said yes, when binawi nya yung answer nya, when medyo nakarecover ka na, when sabi mo na nawala na yung pagkagusto mo sa kanya, when di mo kaya yung sinasakal ka.

Pati online magkasama tayo. Christmas Eve at New Years Eve magkasama tayo online. Parang mga sira na kahit ano na lng pinag-uusapan, pinag-tatalunan.

Inaya mo ako to go out with you nung bumisita yung friends mo right after christmas. They were girls kasi. One is niligawan mo way back college and the other is best friend niya. Heto naman ako, pumayag. So i played your “co-host” sa pag entertain sa kanila. Sabi mo kasi, you want me to meet your friends and sure ka na they’ll enjoy my company.

Pero while looking at her, ini-imagine ko rin yung mga past girls na na-link sayo. Wala ako sa kalingkingan nila. Ang layo, sobra. Dapat nga lang pala talaga na hanggang friend lang yung beauty ko. Pero di ko man Sila mapantayan, binabawi ko na lang sa pagiging kaibigan.

We went out a couple of times during the break. Na meet mo na rin yung mga friends ko. Bow sila sayo. Mas gusto ka pa nga nila kaysa sa boyfriend nung isa sa grupo. Marunong ka daw kasing makisama. Sila lahat akala boyfriend kita. Sobra daw kasi nating sweet. May mga nag text pa na they’re happy for me.

Kakalungkot lang, mali silang lahat.

Sabi mo, sanay ka na malungkot yung pasko mo, pero iba this time kasi nakilala mo ko.

Dont worry kakayanin ko hanggang kaya ko. Andami ko nang kaibigan, pero minsanan kung dumating itong katulad ng sa atin.

I’m not asking for forever, a moment is enough for me. And if things work out for that flicker of time, ill ask God to extend the moment for yet another one. If only I could freeze this moment in time and put it in a frame. So i could come back to it time and again, and ill re-assure myself that once there was a moment when you called me your friend. And that’s enough for me. A moment when I didn’t only cause a smile in your face, but a moment when i almost touched your heart.

Hay naku… Ngay0n ngay0n lang sabi mo pupuntahan mo yung girl na niligawan mo way back college. Baka eto na. She just ended her 3 year relationship sa bf nya. As usual eto na naman ako, with my big smile,”Good luck sa inyo (uli!)“.

Ang Tanga ko talaga.

Sana matapos na ang moment na to, bago pa ako ma “fall in love sa iyo”.

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