March 29, 2003

Scared To Hope

Filed under: Doodles, Blabs and Rants — didee @ 4:53 pm

I was so near. It felt almost true. I almost had it in my hand. Almost. Almost.

Two days after I was denied my “license to graduate”. After the heart-breaking words of “I’m really sorry but I just can’t let you graduate.” Two days after that painful decision.

No words will ever be enough to fully tell about what I’ve felt during that moment. I felt the door of hope shutting to my face.

Since first year, I’ve never stopped asking God for that one unchanging gift. Just to be able to graduate on time. I’ve had my share of hard teachers and impossible subjects. But God had never failed to see me through. The hope that I have in God never disappointed me. I know God will always be there waiting for me, be with me as I march on stage. I’ve never stopped longing for that special day. Imagining that wonderful day when I can finally say that I’ve conquered college. Trying to hear the cheers of my classmates, imagining with close eyes the face of my proud father. Ahh that would be one very special day.

And then this.

I was all excited and ready. Everything is in their place. My program is running smoothly. My computer is humming that sweet sound of compiling my data. Everything is all set. I’m patiently waiting on my cue, on my turn to present my final project in my whole four years in college.

And then the unthinkable happened. Nothing seems to work right. Things turned from good to bad to worst. My heart went from peaceful to shocked to numb. I just couldn’t believe any of it was happening. It was as if I’m seeing all of it outside of my body. Watching everything, watching my eyes filled with tears, watching my heart sink.

I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t understand.

I’ve done my best, given everything, fasted and prayed and asked God to do this for me. Acknowledging that only through Him and with Him can I attain success over everything that I put my hands to. He is my provider, my strength, my very great reward.

The voice of fear didn’t waste time… it came immediately, whispering words of failure, accusations and hopelessness.

Did I try to accuse God of being a liar? Did I turn my back on Him because He turned His back on me? Did I withdraw myself from promises that I can’t see happening in my life? Did I ask God of where is He when I needed Him most?

I did.. almost. What I did was listen to Him in silence. Waiting for Him to assure me that He is still in control. Waiting on Him to send some sort of miracle to save me from this. I waited for His voice to come loud and clear, waited for His hand to move right there and then. But it never came. No words, no touch, no miracles, no change.

I thought I’d give up right there. But I didn’t. What I felt instead was this peace. Not hope, not joy, not confidence, not assurance, not victory, not fire, not just faith… but silent peace. And I started to thank God. And the rest just started to come into my heart.

I know I’m having my special day right then. I know God is not looking down at me, but His looking at me beside me. I can imagine His silent cheer leading me on; imagine His proud face looking at me. And I can feel His heart trusting me.

My God trusts me! Even in the silence He knows I know Him. I may not understand why these things are happening, but ill never stop trusting on my God. I don’t know why He allowed these things to happen, I have no idea why.

Unlike in the past He didn’t came kissing my ouchies away with His words. Unlike in the past He didn’t provide an instant miracle to save me. Unlike in the past He didn’t came rushing. He was silent. God gave me His silence in response to my prayers.

And in silence I will still give Him my heart. Yes it may be broken right now, especially after that painful situation, but there’s nothing more God loves than broken hearts. He is so close to the broken hearted. Cause He is so personal, and He wants to personally take His time fixing whatever is broken in me, keeping me to Himself, and releasing a brand new me after.

I am his child. I know Him. I love Him. And nothing can ever change that. In my Fathers silence is when I hear His deafening shout of Love for me. In silence I learned how to listen to God not with what I see, but with a heart that is hopelessly clinging on to Him.

I am still patiently waiting on God. But I am still scared to hope.

Well… maybe not anymore. Maybe I was scared a few moments ago before I started writing this. But not any more. I’m feeling His hands working on me, fixing that part of me which seems to bear the mark of the circumstance. God knows and understands that I also get hurt, and I also get scared. I’m feeling Hands move in every corner of my heart and hearing that sweet hum of his promises being recompiled in my hearts’ memory.

In silence I am waiting on God. Because if there is one thing that I can certainly do, that is to hope in Him Jesus Christ in Me the Hope Of Glory.

I will wait on God patiently because I know that He’s still in control. It’s not over till its over.

Before, I was excited to graduate on time so I could talk about Gods testimony in me. Trying to run it through my mind. Trying to guess the words that I’ll probably say when asked how God made His move in my life.

But now, I’m simply out of words.

I’m more excited than before, cause I have no idea, and nobody else had an idea, of what my testimony’s gonna be this time. No eyes had seen, no ears had heard, no mind can know what God has in store for those who love Him. What can I say, my God loves surprises. God is never predictable (that’s why there is never a dull moment with Him).


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